Nyaruai

  Reality checks. Growing up, there are those things we always wanted to do. We probably thought we would marry the first people we fell in love with. Imagine small Brian with the ashy legs and the rubber tie being your spouse. I know you looked him up on Facebook and time has not been kind, has it? Anywho, as time timed, you realized flying to space isn't going to work, so you double down. You decide maybe you should just go to uni and study business administration so that you can start as an intern and be a manager by the time you have your first child. You also want to be stable enough to build your parents a nice house. You owe them that much for sacrificing literal pieces of themselves to ensure that you had the best.  But life isn't a dramatic afrosinema and by the time you are in campus, you realize diligence and hard work is not a light at the end of a tunnel, it was a train headed for you and your sanity. You take out student loans to help reduce the financial burden ...

  I'm in limbo. I feel stuck. I know there are things I should be grateful for, and I am, however, anytime I'm not creating I feel redundant. I don't know if other people feel like this, once in a while. It is the uncertainty that comes with being a creative. A curse of whether the boat will sink or sail. A feeling that steals your joy because sometimes the work flows like a river in a rainy season, but sometimes, it is stagnant sewer water in a Nairobi slum.  I hate this feeling. This constant loop of feeling like I should rest in order to be productive and that I should create in order to rest.  I have not written in so long here and sometimes I look back nostalgically at the numerous pieces that remain unfinished on my diary, random pieces of paper around the house or on my desktop, ships that sank before they caught the wave.  But as it turns out, everything in this life is done one step at a time and I will try to be more intentional. Ha! Who I'm I lying to? I'...