Unsteady.

The year is over. Well, almost. I can barely believe it. I clearly remember NYE like it was yesterday. December started juzi and next week is Christmas. How now?

Well, I’m glad because this year has fulizad me a good one. Some parts of the year were nothing short of detrimental. Like a hunger games of sorts, without weapons and zero knowledge of the arena. I hit rock bottom, bypassed it and dug my way to the center of the earth. I had so many "moments". You the moment right? When you need things to spin this way and they’re pretty insistent on spinning the other way. When you're out of options. A situation where, when desperate times call for desperate measures, you feel free to be as desperate as humanly possible. Have you ever gotten lost inside your head? Because i have. Multiple times. How does that work out for you? How deep do you drown? Do you clutch at a straw or do you just let the abyss swallow you whole and drag you across the tide? How many times has it caught you by surprise?

When it’s three in the morning, and you're sitting on the floor, eating at a bag of salt and vinegar crisps. Crying your heart out, Travis Greene playing in the background, telling you how our god is intentional, but you can’t help but wonder why he won’t show you what those intentions are exactly. Why he won’t show you a burning pillar, or a burning bush because you desperately need a sign. Any sign.

When you’ve battled depression, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and lack of self-esteem, all rolled into one bundle. When it pains so bad psychologically it becomes a physical ache. When people who love you seem like they’re bothering you, and like a mosquito on a lonely night, you want to smack them away but they keep coming back. When a social gathering mentally feels like a day at the mjei. When phone notifications are politicians at a church service, unnecessary noise.  When adulting hits you smack across the face, over and over and over again. Relentlessly. Tirelessly. When you’ve ran out of strength to go on, it feels easier to just stop. You’ve lost your job, your relationship, your friend(s), your faith and in the mix, yourself in ways i cannot begin to imagine.

 I would say i relate but pain is relative. How are you now? Are you okay? Does it still hurt?

They say that even the darkest day dawns. How every new day is a chance to try again. How it’s okay to lose everything but hope. Another 12 months await. Before we begin this battle, i would like to know how you overcame your moment. What got you through? Who got you through?  I know i could use a tip or two. I know a few people who would too.